Crisis of Faith (Part 2):

In the land of Trisailmion, I went under the knife. Yet the wounds of the body were superficial compared to the deeper wounds of the soul. I had failed. Amber was in control of Kashfa, the strongest of the remaining Broken Patterns. An important ally had been lost, and we barely escaped with our lives. I had consoled myself with the victories that had been achieved. Nayda and Andra had been recovered. I now possessed a sample of the gunpowder Corwin brought to Amber. Both were achievements to be proud of, but they did not make up for the loss of a land important to me in so many ways.

As the anesthesia took effect, I wondered if I had failed Ashlin. Darkness took hold...and dreams took over. I walked amidst a field of corpses, my hands covered in blood. Friends and enemies alike lay dead, their faces a blur to my eyes. Closer and closer came the two powers...a dark twisting mass somehow squeezed into three dimension approached from the left, while a shining circle of green light loomed closer and closer on my right. And then, in the distance, I saw my mentor. His eyes showed a great sadness, and he turned away. As the two powers were about to collide, I called out, asking what I had done wrong...

I awoke. My daughter was shaking me, and I was laying on a stretcher. I was still in the hospital gown I had donned before the surgery, and pain lanced through my body from the effort of sitting up. My hand was already reaching for a weapon before I remembered that I was unarmed. Everything had apparently gone to hell while I was unconscious. Not surprising...very few of the others had proven themselves to be quick thinkers. I assessed the situation, gave a few commands to the others, and used the sketch of Kaisarah to transport us away from the hospital.

Allyna quickly took issue with me, taking advantage of my weakness from the surgery. Fortunately, Jeanette chose that moment to reveal that she actually could take a stand. I was quite surprised - and pleased - to see her pistol-whip Allyna. She chose to assume command until Arcadia, and I decided to humor her. I would retain the real authority, and gain an ally against Allyna's attempted subversion of the others. Besides...I was burned out from the constant action, and I really did nead a break from command.

The next morning, Ariadne and I talked briefly. She wondered why I seemed satisfied with Jeanette's aggressive actions. I explained to her that it made Jeanette more useful to me. Jeanette's choice of methods were unimportant, if I had her loyalty. I also confided that I could not kill Allyna without alienating the others. Once again, the larger goal dictated short-term sacrifices...such as putting up with Allyna.

That thought caused me to pause a moment. My failure in Kashfa was nothing more than a short-term sacrifice, for the larger goal of stopping Amber. If I could recover the Jewel of Judgment, and recreate Corwin's gunpowder, then it would be worth even the loss of Kashfa. Dalt's body and Nayda were my two avenues to Coral. It was imperative that I shake off the haze of self-doubt, and follow my own advice - concentrate on the larger goal. Some believe that the end goal does not justify the means used to reach it. I do not share that belief.

My faith restored, I was ready to face Allyna. Her challenge to my leadership had to be answered, lest it seed doubt among the others. Jeanette once again proved to be a boon. By assuming the mantle of leadership, she proved to be a valuable distraction. My tactic was simple - let others speak for me. I had proven myself, and Allyna had not. That mistake doomed her attempt to failure. Leaving the room was an act of bravado, but necessary. Once I had made my case, staying around would simply invite Allyna to try and poke holes in it. And even mountains can wear down with enough time and effort.